Monkey Boy's Playground

The Salid Tails

一番 (Ichiban [For you Yanks])

Monkey Boy AJ

So there I was, 4:20 in the PM, eating a salad…….yea…you best Devils Cut lettuce you’ve ever had.

So out of, nowhere, this damn wizard squirrel just appears in front of me.

He looks me square in the eyes and demands, “YOU!! You are the chosen one whom MUST help me save the world!”

“What,” says I? And before I know it there I am in the control room of his flying submarine; only one I know of is yellow. YES! You heard me right, a flying, sub……………WTF MATE!!!

“Set course Walnut, Almond Galaxy, Gamma Sector, Kell!”

…

“I NEED AN ADAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

EVERYONE (and before you ask, YES, far as I can tell the ENTIRE crew is comprised of squirrels) turns to me with a look of wonderment. The Wiz (since I never remembered his name) looked at me harshly, “Oh shut up! Take a seat,” pointing to as open chair at what I figured to be a comm. station.

I sit down. Survey the room. And take it in; and let out the largest sighing breathe I have ever expelled from my lungs. “This shit is for real,” as everyone in the command center turns to me.

The Wiz, in judgmental retort, “No shit!” He turns back to his crew and finish the oversights as we jump into-slip space…I think that’s what I heard. After we’re launched, he turns to me: “Look sorry for all the mess. But you’re the one from an ancient vision. YOU are the only one that can lead us to the victory over the Shram.” Still at a loss for this whole ordeal, “Who the fuck is that?!”

The Wiz, gives me the Skinny, “The Shram are a race of cat people, much like your felis catus, only like half sized; common house cat. They have built a grand empire that spans the entire Gamma sector of the Almond Galaxy. The Scram are a developed race; just like yours. But for some reason, have fallen to lesser traits… We believe that these traits are the work of the Callii. A fungi that can gain sentients via the infection of other races. And these Callii are angry little mites.”

All I can do is sit and stare and try, and I did try to take it in; “What?!"

Face palming, The Wiz, sighs back at me, “Just figure out how we can rid the cats of the fungal infection.”

The Wiz sends me with the First Mate to be taken to my quarters. They’re cozy, for as submarine that is. Being a guest and all I’m guessing that the quarters in now maintain are meant for the purpose. Now, being mentally drained at this whole ordeal, I lay back on the bed to rest my thoughts.

BANG! BANG! BANG! “Sir, are you awake.”

Jumping up out of bed, “I AM NOW ASSHOLE!!”

“You are requested on the bridge.”

So I gather myself….or what’s left of it. And make my way to the bridge. The Wiz is standing ready at his post and the crew is hard at work, doing…whatever it is that they do.

Turning to me with hope in his eyes, “Have you formulated a plan of attack,” inquires The Wiz.

Still not fully with it, I just glare at him, “Fuck no.”

Sighing, The Wiz, in disgust, states, “Well, we approach the enemy fleet, best you sit back and watch what we are made of.”

The enemy fleet outnumbered us a hundred to one; at least that’s what the radar looked like. I had no time to even ready up. They began the engagement, everything they had at us. And we returned the favor. It was short. The Red Eye, our ship, had rendered at least half the enemy fleet dead, dying, or completely unwilling to continue fighting. We continued our course to Kell thru what was left of them.

As we set down on Kell, I realize that these squirrels have been fighting this war for some time; we set down on what I assume is there. As I exit the ship, I’m greeted by the base’s general who gives me the need to know, and escorts me to the forward ops section. Here I’m bombarded with question after thought after theory of how we can defeat the Shram and the Callii.

“Ok so these Shram are cats. Like back home, and back home we have this thing called Catnip, it’s like weed for cats, so why don’t we just out some sort of an anti-fungal antibiotic in their drugs……should spread throughout right.”

The look on all their faces….PRICESLESS!!! I’m not sure either how they hadn’t thought of that. But god was I hailed as the hero.

Within the month they had crafted bombs that would deliver Catnip to every major city on Kell. I felt good, felt hopeful. Felt scared of what would happen if this all went to shit.

But who cares, The Wiz had me back on the Red Eye homeward bound….not that incredible of a journey really…

As I returned home; I declared it beer-o-clock, and gave up salad for the rest of the week.