Monkey Boy's Playground

Tha Salid Tails

 第三 (still traveling west)

Monkey Boy AJ

            What does one do when it’s 3am and can’t sleep? 

            Make a salad, well some hash browns; they’re shredded just like lettuce, so that makes them a salad. Right?

            Well I never eat my hash browns plain, so I threw in some onions, salt, and pepper; and capped those bad boys once they were cooked.  Then, just sat back, stuffed my face, and rode the wave.

            Now everything was going well, including the minute long piss I took post, “water” break, we’ll say.  I mean, not sure where your water tap is, but mine’s in Russia.  Anyway, as I look up from washing my hands; there stands behind me an amorphous shadow.  Next thing I know, I’m on a roof top.

            Really….this shit again.

            So there I am on this roof…..mulling about, no fire escape, no sky light, no air vent. NOTHING!

            BUT WAIT FOR IT!

            This damned fairy shows up and flies over to me.  Looking me square in the eyes it gives me the skinny,” You have been chosen Earthling; to fight for our people.  Fear not, for we have selected another champion to fight with you.”

            With that the fairy disappears.  A stairway appears and out comes the champion.  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?”

            Without missing a beat Macho Man Randy Savage delivers, “What it is, Is what it is.”

            “Well what this is, is bullshit man.  “How am I always getting roped into fighting for some alien race and shit,” about as angry as a person can be at this point.

            “Don’t worry, yeah. Cuz the Macho Man is here.  And I’ve come to give the devil his due, yeah.”

            All I can do is facepalm, “Oh yeah, is that right?”

            The Macho Man, as enthusiastic as always, “Oh yeah!”

            So we make our way down the stairs, figure whatever this is; it’s a battle to the top….well, the bottom in our case, but same theory.  So we enter the top floor; and off in the corner, we can make out this spider monster thing.  Just so happens that it’s sleeping; WIN!

            Next floor down, we’re not so lucky. Flock of like fifty plus Angry Birds, yeah, I mean THOSE Angry Birds.  Upside there was a pair of baseball bats.  I think I hit like four or five homers.  The Macho Man, hit about, all the homeruns….

            Another floor down, we get bummed rushed.  Literally.  Right out of the door, a bum just, charges us; begging for us to save him from the hunger.   Macho Man Randy Savage, does what he does best; solves problems.  He reaches in his pocket and hands the man a snack with the only line that can be given, “THEN SNAP INTO A SLIM-JIM!”

            On to the next floor. 

This one is going to ruin some shit. 

DEAD center in the middle of the room stands a six foot six, Viking.  At least 350 pounds of sheer badass and hate.  I’m losing my shit.  But Macho Man does his macho man, looking right at me, “These arms aren’t chopped liver,” as he charges in for the fight.

And let me tell you, IT WAS A FIGHT!!!  Macho Man goes right for the football tackle and takes the Viking to the ground; before he can get to his feet and drop an elbow, the Viking sweeps Macho Man’s legs; FLOORED.  As the Macho Man falls, the Viking rolls him and grabs his leg for a backwards bend.  The Macho Man kicks loose with his other leg and crawls up to his feet, delivers a chest kick to the Viking, forcing him to stumble backwards; this gives the Macho Man the opportunity to close line him right to the floor.  Soon as the Viking hits the “mat,” Macho Man gives him a solid body slam; followed by a head-hair grab to bring him to his feet, just to spin him ‘round back to the floor.  The Macho Man pops up for the elbow slam and drops it DEAD center mass.  The Viking is hurting; he tries to get up, but just as he gets to his hands and knees, Macho Man scoops him over his shoulders.  With the Viking secured over his shoulders, the Macho Man spins him around and ‘round and lets him loose through the window.

“BYE FELICIA!!!!!!!!!”  I mean I had to say something sarcastic.

We walk in on the next floor and Macho Man collapses.  He hits hard to the “mat.” “Shit man, you alright?!”

Which out missing a beat, “I’m a million percent, oh yeah.  Just over did it a little.”

As Macho Man slows up to norm, “Are you sure?”

“I’ll give the devil his dues, oh yeah.  The Macho Man ain’t out of this yet.”

Then out of the shadows this doctor looking fellow in a wheelchair comes rolling over to us.  From behind his mask, the doctor reaches out his robotic hand, and places a green kidney bean in the hand of the Macho Man, “It’s not save out there; take this.” And with that the doctor’s gone.

GONE!!!

I waltz over to the Macho Man, grab his hand, and take one look at the bean, “That’s a fucking senzu bean.  Shit man!  Was that, Old Man Goku?”

Next floor. LAST FLOOR!

No shadows.

No questions.

Well lit.

Full on.

GIANT FUCKING DEMON CLAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just start freaking out, “WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?  WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO!  HOW ARE WE GOING TO LIVE THROUGH THIS!  SHIT!  FUCK!  DAMMIT!”

Macho Man grabs me, shakes me into eye contact, “We’re not leaving before WE are ready, oh yeah.  See these arms aren’t chopped liver.  I’ma give that things what’s coming to it, oh yeah.”

And the fight’s on.

Macho Man rushes The Hand.  The Hand goes for a snatch, but the Macho Man dodges right under it, grabs The Hand from the end and spin tosses it against the wall.  Macho Man moves in for another move, but The Hand gets up; and uses its pinky to sweep Macho Man’s legs, and the rest of its fingers to bash him against the wall.  Macho Man gets to his feet and rushes The Hand, but at the last second The Hand jumps over the Macho Man and delivers a “kick” to the back of Macho Man’s head that forces him to the wall.  This gives The Hand the timing to “body” slam the Macho Man against the wall.

JUST barely keeping his balance, “This thing keeps coming out of nowhere, yeah. Maybe I’m insane, maybe, I’m, insane, yeah, but this thing is going down harder than the Hulk.” 

Macho Man rushes back into the fight.  He ducks under the first jab, and gives  a head butt to center palm; which sets The Hand off balance just enough for the Macho Man to grab The Hand by its middle finger and give it a SOLID spin toss into the nearest wall.  The Macho Man pops up and drives home a solid elbow dive.  He gets up and flips The Hand over, grabs the middle finger and start rocking it backward; I can see The Hand wrench in pain.

The Macho Man uses this moment to get up, hop up on a windowsill, and jump off; delivering THE, MOST, SOLID, body slam in the history of the sport.

As the Macho Man gets off The Hand, it slowly drags itself off to the door we came through.  We then notice that there is another in the room; one that’s been standing in the corner the entire time.  A little shadow demon.
            The demon gives us his thoughts, “DAMN YOU!!! I had this planned out perfect! I swear I’ll beat you all yet.” 

And he’s gone.

And with that, the Macho Man Randy Savage sums it all up; “We’re too hot to handle, too cold to hold, oh yeah.”

And there I am…

Back in my chair.

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