Monkey Boy's Playground

Tha Salid Tails

चारनंबर (Again, still traveling West; tad to the south this time, but it’s still west.)

Monkey Boy AJ

At 0513 yesterday.

Hungover as Hell. So bad so, that I’m pretty I was STILL drunk. So being up, bored, and hungry; I opted for rabbit food. And since it was a chicken Caesar; I guess the rabbit too.
As I was stuffing my fat face, I got a knock at the door. Completely thrown off my game, I just answered it; I mean fuck it right.

            “You..uh..Monkey Boy?” This twig of a DHL delivery boy is about as confused as I am.
            “Yea that’s me.”
            Pushing me the package (a simple documents envelope), and the tablet in hihs hand, “just sign there and your set.”

So I go back to my salad, take the last few bites, and finish the last of the water glass that was on the table….though know I’m thinking that was Russian water. BUT, ANYWAY, I pop open the envelope. Inside there’s one, single, sheet of paper. I removed it. The note: Find the Sherriff!

Like, really bro.

So after a few calls and a favor, I was knocking on the Sherriff’s door hoping for the best. After knocking four times, the door opened and I was expecting to be shot.”
“Oh, good you’re here.” The Sherriff grabbed a box (show boxish) from a table by the door, handed it to me, and slammed the door.

I sit down on the steps, open the box, and find a giant egg. Not like an ostrich egg, this thing was bigger. And before I have time to “WTF, mate?” the damn thing explodes.

And guess who’s standing there. FUCKING Trogdor! “DUDE! This has got to be there weirdest night yet.”

            He looked at me and asked the worst question, “Do you know what time it is?”
            Sighing heavy and deep, I gave the only reply one could, “Adventure time.”
            Trogdor, who was all excited, “damn right, now come on!” He took off for the woods behind the house at damn near sprinting speeds.
            “Hey, dude, can you tell me anything about what we’re adventuring to or for?” I was expecting something cool like saving a princess or some far away land from an evil king; nope.
            “Oh, right! Sorry about that. We need to get The Book of Prophecy from the tallest room of the tallest tower of some castle.”

            “Didn’t I see this movie before?” ‘Cause you know I’m always sarcastic.
            But he was too, “Dude it’ll be fun, and you need the workout anyway.”
            Of course I had to defend myself, “BITCH! YOU CALLING ME FAT?”

Next thing I know, we’re in a HEAVY pine wood forest, definitely not the oak one I started in. Yup…was not in Kansas anymore. So after about a good two miles, a saw a light house. As we get half way there, a meteor dropped right out of the sky into the path. Trogdor wasn’t too worried, acted like he was expecting it. There a loud cracking explosion and two raptors (not your Ford F-150, or even Jurassic Park type; I’m talking real, angry turkeys) bolt out of the crater right for each of us. Now Trogdor being the massive beast he is just punted his assaultuor for the extra points. Me I had to wrestle the damn thing to the ground, whilst avoiding all the sharp bits, and then pummel it’s face in.

So we get to the light house. And Trogdor tells me we have to cross the ocean. “How the blood soaked Protestant Hell are we supposed to do that,” delivered in my best Anderson voice.

To which, he replied, as anything spawned from his world would, “Fuck you, that’s how!” He then points to the shore line.

You guessed it.

GIANT, FUCKING, SEA TURTLES!!!

Trogdor led the way to the shore. Just as we were about to mount up, we get ambushed again; this time by crabs. Twenty minutes later, after help from our “steeds,” the damned beach was littered with corpses. Lunch.

We got to the other side by sunrise, or at least it was sunrise when we got there. We dismounted and started inland. After a good hour we came to a cross roads; we went left. Another hour passed and we came to the next obstacle; a lake of lava with one single, bullshit rope bridge over it. What did we do? The same thing you should do with any bitch, we took it long and slow.

We traveled for the rest of the morning before coming upon the castle. Pretty standard looking piece of shit. AS we walked in, I thought it’d funny to scream out, “Lucy, I’m home.” Yea, turns out it wasn’t. An overhead light, shines down on a bottle just as a metric shit ton of snakes drop from the ceiling. We managed to get to the bottle unscathed; it was antivenom, really helpful two hours later. COULD HAVE JUST RAN THAT BITCH!

So we find the tower. Trogdor opens the door to the stairs up the tower; soon as he does, there’s a loud ass thud, and a ticking. Tickings are never a good thing. We bolted up the stairs. Five stories of winding stairs, or like thirty flights. I beat Tragdor to the book and yanked that damn thing off. Ticking? Gone.

I handed The Book of Prophecy to Trogdor, “Here you go; know what?”

Trogdor grabbed my hand, and shook it stating, “Great job young adventurer! Now you get to return home.”

“How?”

This black cat jumps in from the window,”How the hell you think, Dorothy?” And with a flash of blinding light, there I was back at my house.

Really need to find a better way to spend a Thursday night.