Monkey Boy's Playground

Tha Salid Tails

Номер пять (North a few countries)

 Monkey Boy AJ

Special Mention: Yoku Masaki

            Not sure what you do at 5:22 AM, but apparently that’s when my bladder decided it was time to piss.  So, piss I did.  And as I’m heading back to my bed, I hear someone clearing their throat; the kind to call that they desire your attention.  I turned the corner to my living room and there he is: The Black Knight.

            “I guess I’m not using Yellow Jackets anymore,” as I rubbed my face to wake up, hoping this was a bad dream.

            The Black Knight offered his growler, “Here have some of this green fairy, it’ll help take the edge off.”
            I took the growler and took a hit to the face.

            The Black Knight started to give me the rundown, “You in some shit brah-“
            “FAAAAAQ!,” which I followed with another, more in depth hit of juice to the face.   Handing it back, “SHIIIT!”
            “Sorry my man, I’m just here to break it to you and give you directions.  Warrior to warrior ya know,” then The Black Knight toke a hit of his “green fairy” to the face.
            “Where the hell, am I going this time?” I quipped in total disgust.
            “Not a clue my man; just head across Ye Old Bridge, and down to the pier.”

            I headed straight out the house, no point in grabbing anything anyway.  I figured I’d end up naked in a cage at some point, so why have to call for new cards and change my cell number for the fifth fucking time. 

At least the weather (for an early morning walk) was cool and dry, aside from the dew that is.  The stars were out, and I was almost enjoying it…..almost.
            As I approach Ye Old Bridge, some crusty looking old dude that looked like he fell out of a Python film pops up from the creek; The Questioner.  He loves to show up and make waves, just because.  I screamed at him, “Didn’t Arty murder your bitch ass last week,” as I make my way down the hill toward the bridge.
            “Ah! Yes, however, like the story of Atreyu against The Nothing, I will stand the test of time.”

            All I could do was roll my eyes and wait for his stupid questioning.
            “If you wish to cross Ye Old Bridge; then first you must answer me, these questions three.  First question.   Wherein the Creature Compendium, written by the Great Gygaxium; what does it say on the eating habits of the elves?”

Yeah…confused as all Hell; I had to get the clarification, “High elves, wood elves, stone elves, or dark elves?”

“What?  You can’t answer a question with a question, that’s not how this works!”

“Well you’re confusing as shit!”
            Flustered as fuck all, The Questioner swooshed me on, “Hell with it, you’re The Chosen One, and if not, you are now, CONGRATS, get out of my face!”

As I turned from the road, and around the boat house to the pier, I saw it. Another flying, FUCKING SUMBMARINE!  And it was STILL not yellow.  I walked up to it, the hatch opened, and the first mate popped his head up and invited me in.
            Fish people.  [Fuck it, why argue, the last one was bloody squirrels.]  I mean they looked like you or me; but you knew they had more in common with a mermaid than your cousin Vinney.

“Welcome aboard the UCS Nastrina, Sir Skowronski.”

“Yeah, stop it with that shit, Monkey Boy or Alex, THAT’S IT!”  I mean I was done with this title bullshit…I have a name; these people need to start using it.
            “Forgive me, Monkey Boy, I am Captain 1st Rank Ramius, of the Grand Lumerian Navy.  We have called upon you to aide us in defeating The Ancient Beast of Persei Omnicron 88.  The native, Lizaplos, have blamed us for its awakening.  We believe that The Balta Guild is truly responsible.”

“GODDAMNED SPACE PIRATES!  What sorta beast am I looking at this time?”

Captain Ramius turned to the view screen and pulled up an image of The Ancient Beast.  He was huge, taller than any building around him, he had a domed back of scaled bones that ended in sharp points, claws for hands, a mouth full of teeth with two tusks protruding from his lower jaw, and his front side looked like it was plates of armor.

Confused and bewildered by the beast’s appearance, “Didn’t Godzilla kill him?”
            In quick retort, Captain Ramius answered, “In what world?”

Letting out a huge sigh of acceptance, “Eh, who the fuck cares; a giant turtle is a giant turtle.  Where is my great champion, I want to start brain storming this shit?”

Reassuring, the Captain answered, “Yes, as always you will have a Great Champion to aide you; you can find her awaiting your arrival in the executive lounge.”

As the lounge doors opened, my eyes met hers as she sat at the bar; Dame Helen FUCKING Mirren.  I did all I could do to gather myself and steady my breathing and mind as I approached her stool. “Dam Mirren,” with my hand stretched out, “It is a great honor to meet you.  I am Alex, ‘The Chosen One.’  I would guess you are The Great Champion the has been chosen to aide me on this quest?”
            Turning toward me and taking my hand, she smiles, “Pleasure to meet you, Alex.”
            I took a seat next to her, “Have you seen this Ancient Beast we’ve been tasked with defeating?”

Dame Mirren laughed, almost in offense, “Yes I have, I have no doubt that we will be able to take down big and nasty.”

“I have to ask, since you’re wise and insightful, is this even worth it? I mean, we don’t know anything for real about any of this; we could have been kidnapped by the bad guys, they tend to know all the same legends and stuff.

Turning toward me, she takes my hands in hers, “Alex, we have been called upon.  Good, bad, or otherwise, these people are trying to save other people that are innocent.  No one deserves to be faced with a fate as worse as this Ancient One.  We are strong and able; we must help.  It is what our kind does.”

I nodded in agreement with her, then turned to the bar tender, “I sure hope so. Until then I’m getting drank ass funk!”

Morning; 800 hours, or whatever the temporal equivalent was.  Captain Ramius was waiting our arrival on the launch bay.  “Good morning, great heroes.”

Still waking up, and a bit hung over, I shout, “OH SHUT UP WITH THAT SHIT!  Just get us on a boat, and let us get to work!”

Captain Ramius approached us and placed what I thought were pills in our hands, “Take these they will assist in your travels.”

Without thought, I down the things.  And immediately I was standing on a stairway, “Those were magic beans, GODDAMMIT!”  Before I had anytime to gather my surroundings and find Dame Mirren, I hear, “Welcome to die!” and a boot shoved me down the stairs.  How many steps was it Alfred, EVER FUCKING ONE OF ‘EM!!!  And where did I up; Hell, or at least that was what it looked like. I mean we’ve all seen the movies with Hell depicted, the flames, the lava, nothing but rock; this was all that…so I’m saying it was Hell; could have been Jersey though too.

Before us stood the entrance to a cavern. Above the entrance there read a sign, “Dodongo Lives Here.”  Soon as I read that I knew we were safe, ish.  I turned to Dame Mirren, “Don’t worry I heard some elf killed that guy.”  We entered the cavern.

As the light from the outside drew less and less, we knew we had to scavenge up something that could light our way further.  To our luck, I found some snakes that produced a biometric light.  I took some clothing straps from a skeleton and fashioned two torches of sort out of four of the snakes.  We made it just past the dark/light line and we were attacked by some type of warrior breed.  They were painted in green glowing goo, and wielded bone weapons.  As quick footed as they were, they weren’t very tough; Dame Mirren and I beat all nine of them with a single punch to each.  It was a very underwhelming experience.  Soon as we thought things were clear, we saw more streaks of green light flashing about the cavern; turns out It was only gerbils… radioactive I’d have guessed, and I’d assumed that’s where the warriors got their paint.  We continued unhalted for a good have mile deep.  We came upon a fork in the path; the right had the glow of daylight to it, so we ventured down.  As we got closer to the light, we also got closer to a loud, snoring like sound.  As we exited the cavern, we found ourselves in a luscious jungle. Birds, insects, animals of all nature; including the snoring; we made sure to remain as quiet as we could and sleek away from whatever beast was sleeping in the bush. 

We cleared the forest and, IT’S PLASMA BREATH RAINING DOWN!  Dame Mirren and I duck and roll out of the way. I jump to my feet and scowl at The Ancient One, “GODDAMMIT RAPH!!!” [I mean, it wasn’t wearing a red bandana, but the thing clearly had anger issues.]  Dame Mirren, does several back flips, distracting the beast, giving me time to take cover and access the situation.  I find a red, white and blue colored  ringed shield (nice star in the center) and use it as cover to distract The Ancient One.  This allows Dame Mirren time enough to find a baseball bat ad strike The Ancient One upside the head.

Surprised by the force, and the fact that said force stumbles The Ancient One I look to Dame Mirren, “Was THAT a Jose Canseco bat?”

Shrugging her shoulders, “How the bullocks do I know?’

The Ancient one was down, hopefully for the count.  But I didn’t waste any time in looking for whatever our next move.  I spotted a vile if purple liquid.  I grabbed it up, popped the top, and put a drop on a leaf to see what would happen.  The leaf shrank down to half its size.

Surprised and victorious, “Helen, I’ve got it!!!!” I rushed over to the sleeping beast and dumped the contents of the vile onto it.  The Ancient One, immediately started to shrink down to a manageable size; like a common box turtle.

I looked toward Dame Mirren, with great intent, “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

Confused as all could be, “What do you mean?”

Looking around for any takers, “WHO WANTS SOUP?”

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