Monkey Boy's Playground

Tha Salid Tails

Nummer Sechs

(Same amount of schnitzel, that one East Side hooker can take)

Monkey Boy AJ

AND

Mark Statham

So, there I was eating a salad and hanging with my homie, Mark Statham. I had the best spring mix I could find, and a dressing made from beer. Mark was having frosted Mini-Wheats, and since we were out of milk, he used beer instead. We were watching horror vids on YouTube and talking about the new “Friday the 13th” box set that Mark was getting. We had a beer bottle in every shape and size and color in the mix that we had gotten; we were definitely feeling, slutty. I was dry, and needed another, so to the fridge did I go.

As I turned back into the living room; there stood Jason, inside my front door. YES, THAT FUCKING, JASON!!! The one who’d rather bury his machete in your head, than yell you off his land. He took two, SOLID, thunderous steps towards me, and shoved an envelope (the string tie type, like “DO NOT BEND/ OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS”) at me: “Ugh?”

All I could do is take the damn thing and utter, “…Ok.”

Then, Jason, in two [EXACTLY TWO], powering steps, is THROUGH my door: “UGH!”

As I try to process all that just happened, I turned to Mark who is sitting there, still eating his cereal, completely unfazed. Mark with a straight face, “Well, that seems fucked.”

“…..I JUST GOT GET SERVED!!!!!”

I opened the envelope, and read what it has to say, “Hehe, well THIS is a turn of fates.”

Mark in confusion, “What do you mean?”
Looking at him straight up; I read the letter as is: “Monkey Boy, and Mark Statham, are herby requested to appear at the Tiger King Ranch. Your tasking from there will be handled by, Art the Clown.”

Lost, looking to Mark, “This, that BULLSHIT I be talkin’ ‘bout! …FUCK!!!”

Looking at me with apologetic eyes, “Sorry, I have plans to wash my hair that day, and then I’m going to-“

“YOU’RE BALD, ASSHOLE!!!”

“-AHHH, FUCK IT!!! Ok, I’m in.” Mark, straight laced, “If he’s holding a hacksaw in one hand, just know, I can run faster than you.”

So many pretty animals: lions and tiger and bears: OH, my! So, Mark and I, began to search around for literally ANYONE, because NO ONE has thus far come to great us, and I doubted Molly, the emu, is going to be of any help, [She had a name-tag].

As we continued our search, we heard a faint ringing, a cell phone. We searched under feeders, behind fountains, and every box we could see or find. Then, Mark, hears it closer to him, nearer the main house. We started moving the heavens and earth all around the front of the house. We finally found the spot, behind some flowers that had clearly been dug up and replaced.

I turn to look for a digging instrument. RIGHT THERE, behind us is good old, Art the Clown: “FUCK, MAN!” He hand’s me a shovel, and then just dances away…

I, fucking hate clowns.

RIGHT THERE UNDER THE DIRT! COVERED, not even BURIED, was a metal chest. Again, it was Art the Clown.
We yanked it out and sat it on a bench. Inside we found, “things.” Importantly, the phone; but also… and I’d guess, “THAT” which was left of Mr. Baskin… OKAY THEN!!!

Mark took the phone and unlocked it. It showed 23 missed calls from one number. Mark, queued it up, and called the number. Four rings later someone picked up; Mark put it to speaker.

On the phone, “FINALLY, A FUCKING ANSWER, I’ve been all day, with this!”
Feeling a bit bad about it all, I reply, “Sorry, man, we had to find this thing, on a ranch, under the dirt. I’m going to guess from how these things go, that you’re our Champion. But, who are you exactly?”

“Joaquin Phoenix.”

Without missing the chance, I shouted out, “Oh yeah, I know you, you tried to fuck your sister in that one movie.”

DEAD ASS SILENCE!

Trying to save myself, “Dude, I’m busting your balls, “Gladiator” was great. And after “Joker,” how could ANYONE hate you!”

Phoenix sighingly, deeply, and very annoyed, “Yeah, glad you like ‘em. Now can you guys come meet me; So, we can do this thing.”

“YES PLEASE!!!? Where do we meet you?”
With some reluctance, Phoenix, answers, “The Twisted Heart.”

Filled with surprise, and almost laughing, I came back, “THE UPTOWN SEX DEN?!!” Looking to Mark, “We’z faqed!!”
Mark on the quick: “Oh, come on! AND, it’s just up the road.”

Me, completely bewildered, “How do you know where it is?”

“I’ve dropped people off there before,” answers Mark.
“THE FUCK HOW, YOU DON’T HAVE A CAR?!!!”

“YEAH?!!!!! Well…fuck you that’s how!”

So, VERY RELUCANTLY, Mark and I, passed through the doors and into “The Twisted Heart.” And yes, there was a WHOLE section for “these,” an entire aisle for “those,” and, AN ENTIRE FUCKING WALL, “FOR THAT SHIT, THERE!!!” ALL OF IT! …And I’d guess, every God forsaken brand that there is for the “respected” product. I couldn’t imagine a better place for scum and villainy.

As the shop door closed behind us, Phoenix appeared from around an aisle. Before either of us (Mark, and I) could react, Phoenix is embracing us both, “Oh thank, the heavens, I can finally be rid of this!!”

Looking me square in the eye, Mark lets me know: “He has a suprisily tender, yet firm embrace.”
Looking on, in wonderment, “…So, WHAT are we doing here?”

Taking a step back, Phoenix collected himself, “I took this job as study for a roll. But now the boss won’t let me quit.”
“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!!!!” I yelled across the store, in complete flabbergast of the notion. In attempt to drive my point home, “Ya, walk up to the cuck, (all but shoving my own middle finger into, Phoenix’s, face) and tell him what to do with his own dick!!”

Not even taken aback; as though he has tried said option more than once, “Michael’s, not that easy.”

“HOW? ‘CAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE SAM MALONE? PUNCH THE FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!” Trying to gather myself and make a better sense of this whole thing, “Fine; then tell ME, where Mike’s, at and I’ll tell him.” I mean, I really didn’t have time for this, and I was losing my buzz.

Stopping me almost mid-sentence, Phoenix corrected me, “His name is Michael.”

Me: “Whatever!”

I strolled into Michael’s office and plopped, hard-down, in the chair front his desk; “Okay, Mike, this is, what is---”

STOPPING ME DEAD: “It’s Michael!!! You don’t like when you’re called “Al,” “Albert,” or “Svensgulie. So, if you’re going attempt to rip me a new asshole, have a tad bit of respect.”

I had ZERO idea where he knew those names, nor did I have time to care; I just rolled through it, “Look here; Mr. Phoenix, has an engagement coming up that will be preventing him from working here, he quits. The working conditions and hours of this establishment are no longer conducive to Mr. Phoenix’s health. He will be leaving with Mark and I. I, am sorry for your loss.”
Michael, almost taken aback, “Is that so?” Continuing, “You, think you can come in here, and just tell me what’s up?”

Not backing down from my stance, “I, don’t care how good of a manager, you think you are, or being some big architect on the sly; but my friend and I, came for Phoenix, and we’re leaving with him. That’s, THAT!”
Nodding his head, Michael, retorted, “No one has ever talked to me like. I’m hiring you and … Mark, was it.”

FUCK!!!

Seated, with the guys, back at the counter, “I’m sorry, Mark, I was not expecting this sort of shit to go down. Mr. Phoenix, I promise, I will find us an out.”

Mark, already planning in his head, “We’ll have to do something super SO rash and fucked up, Michael will HAVE to fire us. I have one idea, that should, just about piss off every single customer that walks in.”

The next day, we open the store as normal, no let on that we have a plan to end the reign of, “The Twisted Heart.” Soon as the register was set, and the “OPEN” sign was lit, we started to work on getting fired. Michael never came in until after lunch; that gave us plenty enough time to start our, scheme. We fashioned ourselves’ some tin foil hats, and then smeared dirt and dust on anywhere over us we could to look the part of crazy. Mark made a sign listing everything in the store is at seventy-five percent off. Phoenix, and I started pulling EVERYTHING leather from the shelves. As the occasional customer dropped in, we stared them down in judgement of whatever it was that they were purchasing; any Bible verse that we could quote about said purchase, we shoved down their throat; and made sure that they felt weird about their latest “Big Booty Cop, Emasculates Criminal!!!,” purchase. The sign out front brought customers, never seen before, and a few regulars that were looking for that one item that was just a bit to high priced for them at the MSRP. As we had hoped, most of these customers were in search of “leather goods.”

Phoenix, “Sorry, Ma’am, but we no longer carry ANY leather products, or any products that are derived from animals. It is our belief that animals deserve to be free in this world, as much as we are free. Their continued mistreatment is unacceptable and we here at, The Twisted Heart, will stand by no longer. God, created the Earth, and all it’s creatures, to live in harmony. One creature should not be, Lord and/or Master, over another. We have no right to lock the chicken inside of a cage, and take from it, its egg. And then, when it no longer gives fruit, we simply slaughter it. As humans, we have the gift of being omnivorous; we may choose to eat the deer, or the bean. I feel that God had it for us that, we should eat alongside the deer, as part of the whole. To this end, Ma’am, we can only sell THAT, one brand of flail whip, as it is completely made from synthetic material; it’s all just chemicals and plastic.”

Absolutely appalled, at everything she was just subjected to, “Where is your manager?!!”

Michael, just so happened to walk in at this exact point, and Mark, delivers it best, “You, mean that asshole.”

Well, that didn’t work, AT ALL!! Michael, actually, loved the idea of “animal friendly.” He tasked us with going through the entire store and making sure that anything that was on the shelves was “animal product free and/or animal friendly.”

There were a couple lotions, some condoms, and…the horse cock dildo. Not just the label apparently, there was, after … (huge sigh) RESEARCH, more involved in the creation of said product that SOLIDIFIED it as “animal cruelty.”

Customer Appreciation Days. NOT ONE!!!: single man, woman, or child, loves them more! That’s what we were aiming for. Buy them lunch, give them sales, give them door prizes, and freebies! We had no idea, why we didn’t lead with this concept. We made a huge sign to put out front: CUSTOMER APPRECIATION DAYS!!! We were giddy on this whole plan. We quick drafted a coupon lottery, a raffle, and catered lunch from, Sara’s Palace.

As we finished setting up the tables, and posting the signs; Dave, as we’ll call him, approached us. “Sir?,” trying to be polite, but we know the bullshit is about to sling! Again, “Sir!”

We all look at him; fuck motheringly.

He asks it straight-up, “Is there ANY meat on this menu?”

“No!!!!!” And thusly, Phoenix, gives it to him straight: “Here’s a fun fact: In ancient Rome, Christians were fed to lions; as entertainment, for the masses. I highly doubt, that those vicious lions, were well fed and/or cared for. Yet, both those lions and people are long forgotten; SO, EAT YOUR FUCKING FALAFEL!!!!!”

We did that for a week straight.

Michael, gave us all a raise. “Taking the initiative, giving back to those who matter. We weren’t making a fucking red cent, making paid the light bill per volume. I’m thinking murder, is the ONLY option.

Then, one day I overheard Michael talking to his, “Girl.” HONEST, I have no idea what level they are: dating/engaged/married? I KNOW, what I heard, an ‘I love you,” from the horses’ ass!!! I, ALSO, learned of when Michael’s birthday was.

So, I went to work. I called Mark and tasked him with getting the donuts and a cake. Phoenix, I tasked with getting ALL THE BALOONS!!! I sent an email to our Tier One Patrons, to arrive for the special moment. I wanted to be nice, for once; it’s a B-Day, I never do shit most the time WITH/AND/OR for my own.

I didn’t set this up as a “Surprise Party!” I knew better; I saw that nine on his hip. I let Michael roll in as he would, and see all of us, eager, for his arrival, and give him a leveled, non-screaming: “Hi!”

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael: “WHAT, THE GODDAMNED, SHIT, FUCKING-CHRIST IS THIS?!!!!!!!!!! HOW, DARE YOU!!!!!!!!! ANY, OF YOU!!!!!!!!!! DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!! I AM A SELF-RESPECTING HUMAN-BEING!!! AND I DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS SUCH!!!!! THIS IS, A GROSS, ATTACK AT MY OWN SELF WORTH, AGE, AND LEVELED RESPECT IN THIS COMMUNITY!!!!!!!

[I breathed, in anticipation, clasped my hand, closed my eyes; and prayed tel]

[wait for it]

“IF

EVER,

SEE

ANY,

SINGLE

ONE

YOU

FUCKTARDS

AGAIN!!!

I WILL,

END

YOUR,

NEXT OF KIN

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark, and I BOTH, look at Phoenix. Me, on the quick, “I think that’s our que to fuck off..”

Mark laughing to me, “I never knew it was so hard to get fired.”

Right back at him, “The fuck you talkin’ ‘bout?!!! It was easy!!! Just had to know the game. FFUUCCKK!!”
“What?” Mark quips in total bewilderment.

I, just lost “The Game!”

“…You’re a fucking idiot.”

OH, THE BEST PART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT WAS ONLY A CAMEO!!!

Like, the shop was blurred in the background. And, the DVD he walked out with, was CLEARLY, not a real movie; just blurs that looked the part.